Chefs in the Raw

One recent morning I was checking my Yahoo e-mail. It was the unholy hour of 5am and I was waiting for my coffee to cool enough to sip. I opened a message from my mother and started reading what appeared to be an invitation to a Pampered Chef party. I scrolled down, already forming my excuse as to why I would be absent.

Then, in the invite a naked man is shown perched on a kitchen counter. He's holding a mixing bowl in front of his package smiling coquetishly in an " Oh no you didn't" fashion as he stirs some white goo in his bowl. He is tan,blond, and muscular in a Richard Simmons video sort of way. Not in a chopping wood or building stuff kind of way. He's prettier than I am. The invite is a "joke" and the "punchline" is that sexy men are to be purchased, I guess, at the party.

I'm repulsed as my first thoughts are of how pissed I would be if I walked into my kitchen to find some strange man's germy and naked little ass fouling up my countertop. The countertop where my babies make their peanut-butter sandwiches. The countertop that cost an arm and a leg and that my husband painstakingly installed. I imagine myself tossing him a towel (the ones I use on the dogs-not the good towels) and shooing him out so I can scrub the countertop with Clorox wipes.

Then as my eyes drop to his little mixing bowl, I think of pubes. Pubes in the cookie-dough. Ugh! He would have to take his little bowl along when I banished him because I wouldn't trust even the dishwasher to scorch out whatever microbes his naked crotch might have left on there! I scroll down and see more of the same; pretty men wearing nothing but aprons putting things in the oven, pretty men doing other cooking activities and wearing nothing at all. It just seems very unsanitary to me. Even Luby's makes people at least wear a hairnet in the kitchen

I wonder if I'm lacking some sort of hormone or chemical that causes me to be the opposite of interested in such sights. I see these sorts of men in MySpace comments and greeting cards all the time and I don't get the appeal. My husband is a bear. A protector. Not a girly man in a frilly apron and with a Hannah Montana smile.

I know my mom forwarded me the pictures of chefs who had peeled down to their birthday suits because it was suppossed to be funny. However, knowing my mom, I'm also sure she thought they were smoking hot. I think most of us would rather view our mothers as nonsexual beings. That said, I think Emily Post would agree with me that moms should share their lite gay porn with friends only-not their daughters.